We hear it all the time to forgive and forget.  The Bible instructs us to forgive and tells us how many times to forgive someone in Matthew 18:21-22.  Some offenses are easy to forgive, while others seem impossible.  But, can we truly forgive and forget?  For most of us, it is the forgetting that is so difficult.

Growing up I was not taught about forgiveness other than the forgiveness of Christ.   We were never taught how to apply that same forgiveness in our own lives.  My brothers and I were often told to say, “I’m sorry”, but never , “Will you forgive me?” or “I forgive you”.  When you are a child it seems more fun to hold a grudge and save it in your heart for vengeance at a later date.

My 3 year-old daughter Livvy came to me the other day and said, “You forgive me, right Mommy?”  My reply was to ask what she had done.  She answered with, “Jesus says, ‘forgive and forget’”.  My reply was still to ask what she had done.  She confessed her ‘sin’ of eating her chapstick.  She is three and it tastes like strawberries, I guess she had no choice but to eat it.  I giggled inside and told her that of course I forgive her and that she couldn’t have any chapstick for a week.

A few weeks prior, she had learned what Jesus said about forgiveness and forgetting.  Each week they are given a “Big Idea”, just a simple instruction from the Bible.  They are to memorize it, embed it in their little hearts for the week.  She has her little necklace they made that week.  On one side is a sad face and the word, unforgiveness.  On the other side, a smiley face and the word, forgiveness. 

Fortunately, Livvy has already been taught about forgiveness for quite some time now.  When she has been disobedient, we explain her offense, talk to her about the proper behavior and then she sits and prays.  It’s precious to see her sit in her time-out area, bow her head, fold her tiny hands and pray to God.  Her pray goes something like this, “Jesus, help me not lie to Mommy.”  or “Jesus, help me be ‘spectful [respectful]”.  When she feels that she has thoroughly discussed the situation with God, she will come to us saying she is ready to talk.

We ask what she talked to God about, does she understand why the offense was disobedient, how does she feel, is there anything she would like to say, etc.  With such sincerity, she explains that she asked Jesus to help her, tells us how sorry she is and that she won’t do it again and then she asks for forgiveness.  We do the same with her when we are impatient or quick to anger.  We have taken the time to teach her that we all must forgive, just like Jesus forgives us.  Matthew 18:35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”  (NIV)

Of course, life and forgiveness seem so much easier as a child.  Livvy hasn’t learned to hold a grudge, she hasn’t learned to distrust someone just because they hurt her once, she hasn’t learned to be cynical.  Adulthood makes a lot of things much more complicated than they need to be.  There is a quote by Lewis B. Smedes, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you”.  I remind myself of this quote often.

By the grace of God, I have been able to forgive some atrocious behavior in others and in myself.  I have learned that just because I forgive someone does not mean that I have to allow them in my life to continue hurting me.  While I am commanded to forgive, I do not have to accept unacceptable behavior over and over and over.  Yes, we are to forgive physical abuse, betrayals of all sorts, theft, slander, gossip and the list goes on.  We do not have to allow the abuse and betrayal to continue.

For me, and I would assume most, forgiving is a lot easier than forgetting.  I don’t know that our mind ever truly forgets, but we can forget different aspects of every offense.  When I was three, my biological mother left me and my three brothers.  We were all under the age of 8.  She never came back.  I hated her for what she had done.  I blamed her for years, I drank over it for years.  I didn’t understand how a mother could walk away from her children.  When I was 28, I decided (God told me to) it was time to forgive her.  I located her and we wrote for years.  Some of the letters showed the hurt, the betrayal and the unforgiveness.  As the years and letters passed, I came to have compassion for this woman I never knew.  I forgave her and she forgave me.

However, in the early years of writing, the unbearable hurt would rise up in my heart.  In a heartbeat, the anger returned, the justification was on my tongue and satan was attempting to pull me back.  This went on for years; the forgetting and then the remembering.  An amazing thing happened though, each time I remembered, the pain was less.  Each time I remembered, I cried out to God to help ease my pain.  Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.”  (NKJV) I reminded myself that I had forgiven her.  I didn’t give satan room in my heart or head for hatred.

I don’t believe as humans we can every truly forget an offense.  We seem to forget plenty of other things, like algebra, manners and junior high crushes.  We tend not to forget when someone has hurt us.  I do know that with the help and grace of God, we can forget the pain of the offense.  Some hurts take longer to forget the pain.  Even if the offender never says, “I’m sorry, please forgive me”, I can forgive and forget.

I also know that the longer I hold onto the hurt, the longer I relive the betrayal, the more damage I am doing to myself, those around me and my relationship with my forgiving Father.  Matthew 6:14-15 “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (NIV)

Forgiveness is not an option, it’s commanded of us.  We must lay down our pride and allow God to restore peace to our souls.  It takes great strength to forgive, strength that can only come from God.