For the next 30 seconds I want you to close your eyes and picture a person who has hurt you, angered you, or offended you. Remember their words and actions. Let all that anger come to the forefront of your mind. How long did it take before you noticed something? Did you notice your posturing? Did you notice your breaths become more shallow? Did you notice your heart rate increase and the sweat dripping from under your arms? How well do you think you could function with the way you are currently feeling? Try thinking about something good and full of love. Are you able to stay focused on the good, or does your mind and body slip back to the hurt?

Our bodies instantly react to anger and hurt. It only takes seconds for our heart rate and breathing to change. Our muscles instantly tense up. Our bodies start heading towards that fight or flight mode and unless we do something, we will stay there. That was a 30-second test. Imagine carrying that hate, anger, and unforgiveness for a year, 10 years, or a lifetime. When we can totally focus on what happens to our bodies with just 30 seconds of hurtful thoughts, it would make sense to not think those thoughts. Sadly, many of us hold on to that feeling for years and then wonder at the state of our health. We may even convince ourselves that “it” is not harming us at all. After all, we have a right to be angry when someone betrays us–don’t we?

Leviticus 19:17-18 states, “‘You shall not hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your neighbor, and not bear sin because of him. ¹⁸ You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord.'” This is the Lord speaking to Moses and telling him what to say to the Israelites as God leads them to the promised land. God is giving them these laws because He wants them to be holy and set apart. God is holy and calls His people to be also. Our neighbor and brother are our fellow humans; regardless of all labels and proximity. I am not to hate anyone. I am to rebuke, which today would be understood as “calling out” someone on their poor behavior. I am NOT to take vengeance, or hold a grudge (unforgiveness). I am to love my neighbor.

Sounds so easy. The sad truth is unforgiveness kills people. It literally kills people when one’s unforgiveness builds into such a hate and anger that they take the life of the person who hurt them. This has been going on since the beginning of time. We are barely 4 chapters into Genesis and Cain is angry that God liked Able’s offering better. I love God’s response to Cain’s anger. Genesis 4:6-7 reads, “So the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? ⁷ If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it.”  Like a loving father having a moment with his son. He is basically telling him to do what is right, make good choices, and learn to control (rule over) your emotions. Cain, in his anger, choose to kill his brother.

Unforgiveness kills us spiritually.  James 4:1-2 “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? ² You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.” James is forcing us to let go of self-justification and moving us towards self-examination. Why do we fight? Because of our own desires that go unmet.  We want to justify our role in fights. We believe in our injured rights, the high ideals, and the crucial current issues we are supposedly defending.  But our personal desires are at the root of fighting. And our personal desires are at the root of unforgiveness. Even as we want peace from the offense, we fight everything within us that tells us this unforgiveness is killing us. I wonder how many people have walked away from God or don’t believe in Him because they are angry at Him? They won’t forgive Him for taking their loved-one. They can’t forgive Him for the cancer that riddles their body. They can’t forgive Him for a childhood of abuse. God does NOT need our forgiveness; we need His. God does NOT need us to forgive Him; but we need to give our unforgiveness to Him.

In his article, A Prayer for the Days of Awe, Elie Weisel expresses a most profound act of forgiveness. He asks a question that he had struggled with all his life.  “Where were you, God of Kindness, in Auschwitz?” And from that question, he had the following insight, “Watching your children suffer at the hands of your other children, haven’t you also suffered?”  This man that has endured Auschwitz, suddenly realizes that God has suffered too. As a parent, doesn’t it hurt you when you see one of your children being bullied, teased, or hurt by your other children? As Weisel has this incredible moment of sympathy for God, he lays it all down and says, “Let us make up, Master of the Universe, In spite of everything that happened? Yes, in spite. Let us make up: for the child in me, it is unbearable to be divorced from you for so long.” You can read Elie Weisel’s complete article here:
http://www.nytimes.com/1997/10/02/opinion/a-prayer-for-the-days-of-awe.html.
Our unforgiveness of ANY one person, ANY one thing, ANY one event separates us from God. Separation from God will lead to spiritual death and eternal death. Is your anger worth your own life?

I held on to unforgiveness towards a man for over 20 years. He had committed a crime; a felony against me that went unpunished by man. I allowed my hate and anger to run my life. I drank to forget the pain and then would become more angry. I relentlessly nurtured that resentment for a very long time, and it almost killed me. Then, I surrendered to Christ. Not my anger; just my life. It took three years of following Christ, being sober, getting counseling, and a lot of self-examination before I set my self free with my forgiveness of this man. My days of forgiving are not over just because I got that “big one” out of the way. Forgiveness is a daily part of my life. Some offenses are easier to forgive while some feel impossible. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is an action. We often only think of the people that have wronged us; the people we need to forgive. Do we ever really stop and wonder how many people we have offended; the people we need to ASK forgiveness from?

There is a hope in forgiving. A hope that the offense won’t happen again. A hope that there can be peace; not just in us, but in the world. A hope that surely if God is willing to forgive my sins and go through such great lengths to make forgiveness possible for me; then I can forgive others of their sins. If there is someone that you have yet to forgive, there is hope. Praying for that person is a great start. On page 552 of the 4th Edition of the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) you will find the following advice: “If you have resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don’t really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it everyday for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate, understanding and love.”

I read a book, The Road to Forgiveness by Bill and Cindy Griffiths, that tells their true story of how they forgave the drunk driver that killed Cindy’s mother and daughter. Bill and Cindy not only forgave this woman; they befriended her. They sat with her during her trial. Weisel’s story, the Griffiths story, and so many other indescribable acts of forgiveness prove that forgiveness and compassion are possible in the worst of situations. For the child in all of us, we must learn to forgive. I must model to my children the most humbling of acts: the act of forgiveness.

We know the Bible says that vengeance is the Lord’s (Romans 12:19, Deut. 32;35).  If vengeance is His, then it isn’t mine to “pay back” hurt with more hurt. While vengeance is not mine, victory can be. The definition of “with a vengeance” is, Intensely motivated; resolute; forceful. What if we could forgive with the same energy and passion it takes to seek vengeance? What if we forgave for as long as we have hated? What if forgiving became a daily attitude instead of a last resort at peace while on our death bed?

Who do you need to forgive? Who do you need to ask forgiveness from? What selfish desire and high ideal is keeping you from peace. What battles within you are keeping you from forgiving? Forgiveness is for giving away. Don’t withhold forgiveness–God doesn’t.